“Why does divorce have to be so painful?”

Divorce is a necessary evil especially with the divorce rate being so high and getting worse year over year. The only people that benefit from a nasty divorce are the attorneys who salivate over any opportunity to add more billable hours as we make things emotional throughout the process. Divorce is physically, mentally, emotionally and financially draining to put it mildly. The amount of energy and time it takes to plan and have a wonderful wedding pale in comparison to the process of divorce. Marriage is an event that a couple can look forward to as one the most memorable times in their lives. Divorce is an experience that no one wants, plans for or looks forward to until there is no other option. Staying in a bad marriage is elongated torture that has lasting effects beyond divorce. Spite is a term that takes over a marriage as it ends and takes each person out of the character that was once so attractive. Why does divorce have to be so painful?

Take on divorce with a metaphorical survival kit and be prepared for the coming years, yes I said years, that will be engulfed with the long process of divorce. The first step should be to do everything possible in order to save your marriage, yes save your marriage! Look at the person you fell in love with and try to remember that person, not the one that has changed your viewpoint of your marriage. Once you made your decision to dissolve your marriage get all the way out, sever all ties that are not absolutely required such as co-parenting and make sure there is no longer any dependency on your soon to be ex-spouse. Bite the bullet and find a reputable attorney that specializes in divorce not one that does it on the side. If they are not great at divorce it will cost you in the long run.  One of the most important things that you can do is to absolutely, without fail, do not involve the kids at all. They will go through so much as a result of the process and will automatically be part of the collateral damage that will require a massive cleanup project later. Make your divorce a business transaction only, take out the emotions and finger pointing as it will just add to the pain and the bottom line legal costs associated with divorce. This is going to be a long process no matter how amical the relationship feels in the beginning; expect this to change and note this is where the nastiness sets in. There will be some time between hiring a lawyer and the finish line so use your time to determine what life after divorce looks like and plan accordingly. This is a great chance to spin a bad situation into a positive opportunity to make life the way you want it to be. Your new lease on life and the way you envision your life may have evolved over the years as you tried to hold on to your marriage. Both people should expect their lives to change and they should not expect to live life as it were with the partnership that is no more. You are now responsible for your entire life and don’t expect your soon to be ex to play any part in your situation moving forward. Embrace your new independence but also take full responsibility in all that you endeavor in life. Don’t make a bad situation worse, turn the page, remove the emotions as much as possible and make the process of divorce a business transaction. Once complete, divorce could represent a fresh start to a happier well-being in life.

“Do you regularly use the phrase I Forgot?”

Remembering things can be one of the most difficult things we are challenged with on a daily basis. It can be as simple as taking out the trash or it could be as significant as paying the mortgage. Remembering to do the important things in life can be critical to a happy life and when we don’t remember we can certainly cause unnecessary strife for ourselves and others. Using the excuse that we forgot or what I call the “F” word does not go over very well when we have missed something important. Saying I forget is just as bad as a cuss word because not too many people receive it well or they are put off by it. The negative effects of forgetting can be bad on relationships, at work, managing your bills, health and so many other aspects of our lives that we should look to minimize the number of times we use the “F” bomb. Men get into hot water when they fail to remember an important date to their significant other, e.g. anniversary or birthday. How successful are you at work if you regularly forget to do something important or miss a deadline because you forgot. Bill collectors are not very lenient when we are late with making a payment, many charge late fees and are unlikely to wave the fee if we simply forgot. How many of our loved ones are reliant on medications to keep them in good health and when they are under the weather we often realize they forgot to take their medication. How can we be better and remembering?

Our brains are better suited for making decisions and being creative, not so much on remembering deadlines and dates especially as we get older. Many people resort to lists, white boards on their refrigerators, sticky notes and other techniques. An old method of remembering something is tying a string around our finger; hopefully we don’t forget why we put the string on our finger! We live in an age that is driven by technology and the vast majority of us have smart phones that we depend on every waking moment. Now our kids have access to technology and smarts phones before they are old enough to drive. If we are not using smart phones which are more advanced than the computers were 15 or 20 years ago, we really are subjecting ourselves to unneeded agony. Our smart phones have calendars that can be used to setup reminders and the only way we should forget something is if we fail to setup a reminder or we dismiss the reminder without taking any action. As our “to do” list accumulates, take a moment and set a reminder so we are more reliable to ourselves and those that depend on us at home, as friends, and at work. Paying that bill before it’s too late or remembering that important date can go a long way towards making us or someone else happier than if we say “I Forgot”.

“Our aspirations turn into inspirations for others.”

Have you been around people that constantly make you shake your head (smh) because you question what they are doing with their life? None of us are perfect so we shouldn’t judge but we should encourage those around us to be the best they can be. Many people are content with doing nothing that is groundbreaking and they are okay with going in the opposite direction of the flow as oppose to going with it or creating their own flow. If we are not careful we can become uninspired by those around us and it won’t be too long before we are heading in the wrong direction. After a while we will probably get tired of being uninspired but by then we have lost so much ground. The negative influences that can surround us can be devastating to say the least if we are not doing things to counteract them and create our own positive aura.

As we look to aspire to be more each day, each week and each year there are positive aspects that will impact our lives. What about those around us or that we come in contact with, how will they be affected? I’m sure there are people that have told each of us that they were either proud of something we accomplished or acknowledged the good work we have done in the past. More people are taking note of our accomplishments and as we strive to do more with our lives than the previous year. The people around us may even be inspired by our own aspirations. As we set out to do something new we tend to get questions from others even if they don’t fully understand our objectives or they just wouldn’t have been interested in doing the same thing themselves. Have you ever gotten upset that someone you know is now doing the same thing you did several months or years ago? Why be upset as they may have just given you a compliment which is that they liked what you did so much they copied you. Don’t look at it as a negative look at it as what it really is, inspirational. We can have an indirect influence on others as they look from a far as they are inspired by our aspirations.

“Endure the night our joy will come in the morning.”

There are things that happen in life, don’t let life happen to you is a very powerful statement. We have all felt like victims of circumstances at one time or another. How did we handle these circumstances and challenges? Sometimes the circumstances are unbearable or devastating and we get lost in the pain. When we have endured a lot during these times, there were more than likely times where we just felt like giving in or up all together. Have you been through a nasty divorce? Nasty and divorce seem to be synonymous with each other and can go on for years and destroy a family. When we make it to the other side there is a feeling of relief and a new energy to continue on. Losing a significant person in your life such as a spouse, friend, parent, sibling or child can be one of the worst times of our lives. With these insurmountable challenges we must find a way to survive.

Trouble doesn’t last always and we have to continue to fight. We must find hope in the positive aspects of our life and lean on them. We must take a step back and take one day at a time looking for ways to improve our outlook not add to the madness. Every time we go through something that is challenging it makes us stronger both mentally and emotionally. We add survival tools with each day and night that we continue to endure. How can we make life count no matter what the circumstances are? Divorce is an opportunity to find a more appropriate match. Divorce is experience gained and we must take note of the life lessons learned from this experience. We should appreciate the good times and use the bad times as leverage as we raise the bar higher in our next relationship. When someone close passes away, continue to live as though they are with you so you don’t lose the things gained from those relationships that have changed as a result of life changes. These and other challenges can be the period in which we have to pick ourselves up, hit the reset button once more, and endure the night knowing that our joy will be coming tomorrow.

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“Are you raising your man or enjoying him?”

Men often encounter the scrutiny of women in the beginning of new relationships especially related to whether or not that man has their shit (pardon my French) together! Let me start by saying we are not talking about men in their early 20’s who are still figuring out manhood and all the things that go with it. I am talking about age 30 and over and men that need to be raised by women! Women may take a chance on a man that does not have their shit together but has potential to get their life in order. So the women proceeds to get involved with the man only to find out that several months or years later the man is still trying to get their stuff together. They live with their mothers or their girlfriend, cannot seem to hold down a steady job (good job that is career oriented), does not have their own car, does not automatically reach for the check at dinner, or is just not working towards any goals and seems to be in limbo or in a rut. If you are that woman this is trying to wait on your man’s potential and not getting anywhere, why are you complaining?

How would life be if you met or had a man that was the complete opposite and you didn’t need to raise that man? He would be career driven with aspirations and goals that were not just talk but were works in progress. He came with his own car, very good job or working towards one, and had no problem picking up the check knowing that you had the means to pay also. What if he was kind, thoughtful and was genuinely interested in what was best for you? How would you feel if he put you first in his life but knew how to stay in touch with his boys without going overboard? What if instead of you spending your time, money and energy on trying to make both of your lives easier, that your already raised man made it a point to make your life easier? Ask yourself whether or not you should continue raising your man or if you are deserving of a ready-made man in your life?

“Titles do not define us as People”

We all have a title that we have either created for ourselves or one that has been given to us over time. We are mothers, fathers, mentors, teachers, leaders, doctors, preachers, comedians, etc. Have you ever asked yourself, do I ever take off my “title” hat and just be you without your hat? Have you ever called someone close to you to share something with them that perhaps you were proud of and they were critical or stated they wouldn’t have done that if it were them? What about a teacher who is always teaching when everyone just wants to relax or have fun, is every moment a teaching moment? How about a religious person that always finds a reason to preach? Are you the comedian that thinks everything is funny when perhaps a joke is not appropriate? There is a time and place for everything. Are you lost without your title hat on?

Titles do not define who we are but may just indicate what our passion is or just simply what we are good at. Mothers should be mothers to their children, not to everyone they come in contact with. We are people first, and then are titles are secondary and should not be what people see as soon as we walk in the room. It may be a good idea to occasionally take your title hat off and be okay with putting it on when someone asks you to be your passion. When someone needs your expertise then game on! Show them your passion and the value that you provide when your title hat is on.

“Everyone deserves a second chance”

Have you ever found yourself in the position where you didn’t know how you arrived at the place or this situation that you are currently in? Life can spiral out of control and before you know it you have made a grave mistake. Sometimes our mistakes or bad decisions are because of our knowing what are we are doing or it could be a reaction to what someone else has done to us. It could be due to ignorance as we simply didn’t know what we didn’t know. Once we’ve made our mistake and it has affected another person or group, how do we rebound from what we have done? Should our mistake follow us around for the rest of our lives or for the rest of our relationship with the person we have negatively affected? The mistake was bad enough on its own merits, but the lasting affect could be even more impactful. Should we get a second chance?

Life is about experiences and we can learn so much from those experiences. We were not afforded an instruction manual that tells us what to do in every situation. Our parents or those that have helped to raise us have given us guidance and the tools to make good decisions. When we make bad decisions, primarily because we are human and imperfect, unfortunately we have to suffer the consequences of our decisions. When was the last time someone gave you a second chance when you made a bad decision? Not only do we need to be given a second chance or two, we need to also be the ones open to giving out a second chance. There are going to certainly be the “deal breakers”, those instances where giving a second chance is just not in the cards or reasonable. We can still handle those instances by giving constructive criticism hoping to help that person learn from their mistake. Everyone deserves a second chance and there will be a time where we will need it too!

“Are we building wealth in our lives?”

There are more things that contribute to whether or not our lives are filled with wealth other than money or financial security. Our degree of wealth is really determined by us not by anyone else. Our lives can be far different than those we know simply because of whom we surround ourselves with and what type of life makes us happy. Knowing what our wealth looks like can help us to stay on the right path and not get distracted by chasing someone else’s idea of what a prosperous life is. What are the things that are important to you? Is it time, knowledge, experiences, money or all of the above?

Some of us value time more than other things in life. Time could be related to the amount and quality of time spent with our families. Time could be the amount of time in which we can allocate to things we love to do outside of the work, school or the responsibilities of adulthood. Energy could be just as important, the amount of energy we have may be an important determiner of what we spend that energy on. Energy could also be the quality of that energy, is it negative or positive energy that surrounds our life. Knowledge may be a driving force in our level of wealth; do we seek out knowledge everyday through the vast knowledge that exists within the internet? Our pursuit of knowledge could be in the level of education we seek whether college, an advanced degree or a specialty skill as these may determine the level of our wealth. For some of us experience may be more important to us than anything else. If we like to travel or seek out new adventures we feel wealthy with the things and places we have experienced. Lastly, money can certainly be a source of wealth in which we determine what is appropriate. For some of us wealth is owning a home, retiring without fear of being in poverty, having a million dollars or more, or just having options to deal with life’s challenges. Regardless of what determines your wealth we should all be aware of which source(s) of wealth are of importance to us and go after that.

“Every exit is an entrance to a new experience!”

Have you ever felt bad as something significant changed in your life and you were hesitant to look forward? Moving from your current home or to a new city, leaving a job or leaving a long time relationship could all be instances that bring about fear. If we are resistant to the change that is occurring or has already occurred, it may be causing us unnecessary stress and other negative effects. Have you ever thought about why change is such a bad thing in our eyes? How we handle these significant changes could also negatively affect our family or others that care about us. Being open to change (like Day) could make all the difference in the world when change is upon us. It may be time for you to view significant changes in your life or exits as an entrance to a new experience in your life.

Leaving your current home or moving to a new city, leaving a job or even leaving a long time relationship could all be the exit you need to go through in order to enter a new experience. Looking at change as a positive experience can have many benefits for us. The only thing in life that is constant is change and approaching change head on with a positive outlook is the right way to go. Accepting the change for what it is instead of kicking and screaming is step one. Don’t waste precious time and energy on looking backwards but instead, formulate a plan to make the change work well for you. Moving to a new home could be your chance to put yourself in a better financial place or it could provide a better living environment that is a boost for your mental state. Leaving a long time job to go to a new company and a new job could be a great time to reset your career. It’s a chance to establish new business relationships, add to your business skills and experience, or move to a company that has a culture that is more in line with your preferences. What about a long term relationship, moving on from one could be a great opportunity to get out of your comfort zone and broaden your experiences. A relationship reset is a chance for you to apply what you have learned from the previous missteps you have made. As we walk through life’s exits, let’s not look back as we open a new door in our lives. Open your next new door with cautious excitement as you move forward to new experiences.

“Make the best out of what you have and make it work for you!”

It’s safe to say that we all want more out of life than we currently have but it takes time and effort to get our life the way we really want it to be. The reality is that we may never get to the ideal life no matter how hard we try. Appreciating what we have now with the understanding that future accomplishments will be icing on the cake will help us be more appreciative of what we have today. Do you have friends or family who are always complaining that their life is so awful? There is nothing worse than complainers that don’t take any action to change their circumstances and continue to complain about the same things over and over again.

If you are not appreciative of what you have in life, remember that there is always going to be someone out there that is doing better than you are as well as someone out there that is doing much worse than you are. Taking a look at what we have and appreciating it can go a long way in how we approach each day. If you have been at your job for more than 3 years is it really that bad? Is your spouse or mate, who is essentially the same person you fell in love with way back when, really that bad? Make a list of all the things that are going well in your life, be honest, and then make a list of all the things you want to change or add in your life. If your list of things that are going well in your life is longer than the list of changes or additions, then life may not be so bad after all. Once you come to the realization that life is really not as bad as you make it out to be, spend more energy on the list of changes or additions and make your life that much better. We will all do well by making the best out of what we have today.