“Success cannot be achieved without failure first.”

All of us have gone through troubling times in our lives with some much more difficult than others. When I say difficult I mean the type where giving up, quitting, or ending it all seems like the easiest option. We will all go through tough times more than once in our lives and how we deal with these tough times will be critical to our successes. Failure can be devastating to say the least, can damage our egos, or can appear to be a false representation of who we really are. If we make a grave mistake or a misstep, that should not be a determiner of our character or change who we are. It is also easy to succumb to the situation we fell into and let that situation take over our lives. At times we can find it extremely difficult to climb out of the rut; many never recover and stay in their rut. Remember that you are not the only one that has gone through a similar situation and that persevering will only make you stronger and more equipped to handle the next tough time in your life.

Success or the lack there of can be attributed to how we approach each situation and can have a lot to do with the environment we are in. We certainly have to take responsibility for any actions we have taken that had negative impacts to us or others. If our intent at work, school, in relationships or anything we do is good, then we can feel good about what happens next even if we fall short of the mark. Our environment can play an integral part in our success; however, we cannot let our environment dictate our success. If your school does not provide the support you need to be more successful then work harder or go to a better school. If you work place does not invest in your development or does not have advancement opportunities then find a better job. If your partner or mate does not want the same things in life then find one that you have mutual goals with. When we fail, don’t blame it on anyone else or the environment. When we succeed give credit to those that have helped along the way but also give yourself the credit you deserve. Being the best version of you requires learning from past mistakes and coming out as the next better version…You 2.0!

“Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it!”

We all go through spells where we are not as happy as we would like to be. Could we be adding to our own unhappiness? The things or people that make us happy are determined by our own choices whether good or bad. The sources of our happiness can vary throughout the year or could be dependent on what we are going through at that particular time. This should mean that our happiness is not always based on the same people or circumstances. We often acknowledge to ourselves or others that we are not happy and we sometimes know the exact cause of our unhappiness. When we have identified the source or root cause of our unhappiness, what happens next? Do we dwell on this unhappiness even if it is out of our control or it cannot be changed? Sources of unhappiness could be in the past or could be ongoing. Either way if we are looking for happiness in the same place that we lost it, we could be adding to our own unhappiness.

The people we choose to interact with are just that, a choice. If we continue to associate with people that have made us unhappy in the past, we should not expect different results. Instead, we should look to associate with people that add to or contribute to our happiness. These people are encouraging, understanding, provide insight, and are genuinely positive aspects of our lives. We can increase our happiness by removing those that do not add to our happiness and by adding more people that are positive influences for us. Is your environment or home a source of unhappiness? If so identify what about your environment could use a change. For instance, make plans to move to a place that is better suited for you and make it fun. We spend the vast majority of the day at work so it is important that we don’t mind going to our jobs each day. If our job is not a good fit for us, make a concerted effort to find a new company to work for and make sure you know what aspects of your job should be better. If we are looking for happiness in places that are sources of unhappiness then we need to change where we are looking. If we lost our happiness then find a new source of happiness as oppose to looking in the same places.

“Do you have a mate that matches your hustle?”

Are you dating someone that is out of your league? Does your mate have the same ambition for life that you have? Wouldn’t life be better if you had someone that had similar aspirations as you? These are all thought provoking questions. If you have to talk to someone other than your mate about your goals because goals are just not that important to your mate, you may be selling yourself short. If your mate hinders you from achieving your goals or is just counterproductive, that can be a less than desirable situation. Do you want to go back to school, go for that promotion, make smart investments, or save for the future; however, your mate is just not interested? Don’t accept a relationship that is not evenly yoked. How much farther in life can you get to if you and your mate were to progress together?

We all want to be successful and there are many people that procrastinate or just never make goal setting a priority. The old saying that there is power in numbers can certainly be applicable to your relationship and achieving individual and mutual goals. Find your Bonnie or your Clyde and do great things. Be inspirations to your children, to your family, to your friends and show them how to develop their hustles. Make sure you are part of team that wants to win in life, not a team the watches everyone else win. Your mate should be a partner, a motivator, a supporter, and a resource. If you and your mate set and reset goals together you will have someone that matches your hustle.

“Relationships are born from the things, interests, and people we have in common.”

If you had no friends or a significant other how would you go about finding new relationships? What are the things that you would want in these new relationships? As we look around at the people that are in our lives, those that we have the best relationships with are often those we have so much in common with. We enjoy the same interests such as recreation, foods, hobbies, passions etc. and these commonalities serve as the foundation that we build our relationships upon. When these commonalities don’t exist or change, there is often a loss of interest, less time spent together, or regular disagreements. The beginning of a really great relationship often starts with; I like that too, really me too, no kidding what a coincidence. It is important to know what the foundation is for each of our relationships, what we love about our relationships, what the benefits of our relationships are, and what is required to successfully maintain our relationships.

Take a look at one of your closest relationships as ask yourself how much do the two of you have in common. Do you have fifty percent of the same things in common? Or is it sixty, seventy, or even eighty percent of the same things in common. I have learned that my best relationships have at least seventy percent of the same things in common if not more. There is an ease in talking, planning out the day, planning a trip, where or what to eat, life priorities including education, family, finance, health, fitness and more. The relationship has a distinct feeling of happiness, support, encouragement, and an overall healthy disposition. What about the things that the relationship does not have in common? Those things become unique characteristics of each person that make them who they are. It is the individual interests that allow each person time away from the relationship and serves as a healthy reminder of how great it is to experience someone that you have so much in common with. The old saying is that opposites attract; should the new saying be “commonalities not only attract, but last”?

“We must not rest on our laurels and instead continue to do things that equate to success.”

Achievement is great and we are bound to do great things as long as we set our goals accordingly. How long do we rely or lean on our past successes? If all we do is talk about what we’ve done last year or five years ago what does that say about us? Are we resting on our laurels so much so that are frontal view is blocked because we are only looking in the past. Janet has a very famous line from one of her more popular songs where she asks the question “what have you done for me lately?” We may need to ask ourselves what have we done lately that is a continuance to our life success.  We don’t get a pass in life just because we had some success. There are singers and groups that get put into a category called “one-hit wonders” denoting that they only had one relevant song and nothing else worth noting after their success. Our lack of persistence to strive for excellence could be the main reason we have not done anything lately.

A sports team wins a championship and they celebrate this momentous achievement which was a result of a collective effort by the coaches, players and the others that contributed to the team’s success. The great teams celebrate for a brief period and then begin to get ready for the next season. Is this why they are so successful? Success for us as individuals is also only momentary, we celebrate and we must move on to what’s next. Regular life resets, creating goals and expecting more from life are great ways to continue success. A relationship does not last because we were a great catch 5 years ago; however, it lasts because we continue to do things that make our mates happy and feel appreciated. At our jobs we expect the same performance review score each year even though we have not done anything new the next year. With every new goal or challenge we can expect to take a few steps backwards until we grow from our new challenge. The growth eventually propels us forward and with that growth comes success. Our accomplishments should be the triggers to ask ourselves the question, what’s next? Success is not a one-time thing but it is momentary and even more importantly success must be continual as we avoid resting on our laurels and do things that equate to success!

“It’s okay to be a little selfish.”

Not putting yourself first may be causing you a bit of unhappiness and you don’t even realize why. Often we give too much of our time to friends, family or even at work. Is it because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or we just try to help too much. When we don’t save enough time for ourselves we tend to lose out on things that we need to do or want to do.  Is our energy being depleted on a regular basis so much so that we feel that we are working for everyone but ourselves? Do we miss out on opportunities or just don’t have the wherewithal to do the things we really want to do. Do you often find yourself making bad choices because you are reluctant to say “no” when someone needs your help? Have you ever been more concerned with someone else’s feelings so much so that you disregard your own feelings? There are times in a relationship that we need to end the relationship; however, we worry more about how ending the relationship will hurt the other person. More importantly, does staying too long in a relationship hurt us or are we just ultimately hurting the other person by not being honest about how we feel.

It’s okay to be a little selfish in order to make sure we are making ourselves happy. We need to balance the time we allocate to help others so that have plenty of time for ourselves. We all need some “me time” to do things that provide refreshment for our minds, bodies, and souls. There are times where peace of mind, no conflict, and just an easy going experience can make all the difference in how we feel. How we feel is very important to our mindset and disposition. We need to protect our feelings by being a little selfish and not putting other’s feelings before our own. Being selfish with our energy can go a long way to prevent us from being emotionally and physically drained from those that tend to be negative. In fact, we need energy to become healthier, more productive, try new things, and take care of our responsibilities.

Please share your thoughts on this topic by adding a comment, looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

“Peace of mind may be the most important aspect of our lives.”

We all need a peace of mind in our lives or we can expect a continued rough road ahead of us. Peace of mind is defined as a feeling of being safe or protected. When our relationship with our significant other is on rocky road, there is stress and an uneasy feeling that makes it difficult to endure. When our health is in question and we are waiting on test results to come back our thoughts can be filled with unrest. When there are rumors at our job that there are looming changes on the horizon that include cutbacks, layoffs, or no merit increases. If we are struggling financially and living paycheck to paycheck, in fact most of us are, how we are going to pay our bills may be all too familiar. The things that ensue when there is a lack of a peace of mind can be devastating. There is a lack of trust in almost everything we do and the people we come in contact with. There is a stress level that can take a toll on us that could also make us resort to things that we would normally not do as a way to cope with our current circumstances. Is having a peace of mind that significant?

How can we create a peace of mind for ourselves? It starts with the things in our lives that we are in control of that contributes to creating our feeling of being safe or protected. At our jobs we know that there are many of our coworkers that do just enough to skate by; conversely, we should take pride in the work we do and the value we provide. When uncertainty at our jobs arises, those that have the perception of being a slacker are the ones that should be worried not us. When we live our lives we should do so with both our short and long term health in mind. This should give us a peace of mind with our health if we eat well, incorporate regular exercise and visit our doctor each year without fail. We must be in control of our financial security by creating realistic budgets that allow us to not only pay our bills on time but put us in a position to save a minimum of ten percent each month. When we can establish 6 months of our salary in savings then we have a great sense of security whether some unusual expense occurs or there is a loss in job or income. Being open and honest with our significant other helps to remove any ambiguity on how each person in the relationship feels. With great and regular communication there can be a great sense of security as we tackle life’s challenges. Ask yourself how important is a peace of mind in your life?

“Are you okay with the way things are or have become?”

Our lives are evolving through the constant change that life brings on a day to day basis, but how are we dealing with it? It’s natural to resist change especially if we did not initiate it or we question the change. So many changes can affect how we feel in so many aspects of our lives. Some changes we made in our lives may have not turned out the way we anticipated but how are we dealing with them? What we do next as change occurs can be crucial to our outlook on life. We can get so comfortable doing what we have always done that it just seems easier to keep doing the same thing even if there are benefits to making change. Is change for us a sore subject or are we kicking and screaming along the way? Does it affect us so much that other people are turned off by the vibe we are giving off? How do we live with “it”, meaning the changes in our life that have happened or are happening as we speak?

We’ve all heard the old adage, when life gives you lemons just make lemonade or your favorite lemon dessert. We can be okay with the changes in our lives and take a positive outlook on them. These changes represent growth for us or can just breakup the monotony of life. Change can open our eyes to new possibilities and experiences that give a new sense of accomplishment. Let’s be okay with the changes that are going on in and around our lives and take time out to explore what the change is and the potential benefits that we can get from these changes. Let’s live with the changes and initiate change more often that suits our life plan as we work to improve our lives on a regular basis.

“Why does divorce have to be so painful?”

Divorce is a necessary evil especially with the divorce rate being so high and getting worse year over year. The only people that benefit from a nasty divorce are the attorneys who salivate over any opportunity to add more billable hours as we make things emotional throughout the process. Divorce is physically, mentally, emotionally and financially draining to put it mildly. The amount of energy and time it takes to plan and have a wonderful wedding pale in comparison to the process of divorce. Marriage is an event that a couple can look forward to as one the most memorable times in their lives. Divorce is an experience that no one wants, plans for or looks forward to until there is no other option. Staying in a bad marriage is elongated torture that has lasting effects beyond divorce. Spite is a term that takes over a marriage as it ends and takes each person out of the character that was once so attractive. Why does divorce have to be so painful?

Take on divorce with a metaphorical survival kit and be prepared for the coming years, yes I said years, that will be engulfed with the long process of divorce. The first step should be to do everything possible in order to save your marriage, yes save your marriage! Look at the person you fell in love with and try to remember that person, not the one that has changed your viewpoint of your marriage. Once you made your decision to dissolve your marriage get all the way out, sever all ties that are not absolutely required such as co-parenting and make sure there is no longer any dependency on your soon to be ex-spouse. Bite the bullet and find a reputable attorney that specializes in divorce not one that does it on the side. If they are not great at divorce it will cost you in the long run.  One of the most important things that you can do is to absolutely, without fail, do not involve the kids at all. They will go through so much as a result of the process and will automatically be part of the collateral damage that will require a massive cleanup project later. Make your divorce a business transaction only, take out the emotions and finger pointing as it will just add to the pain and the bottom line legal costs associated with divorce. This is going to be a long process no matter how amical the relationship feels in the beginning; expect this to change and note this is where the nastiness sets in. There will be some time between hiring a lawyer and the finish line so use your time to determine what life after divorce looks like and plan accordingly. This is a great chance to spin a bad situation into a positive opportunity to make life the way you want it to be. Your new lease on life and the way you envision your life may have evolved over the years as you tried to hold on to your marriage. Both people should expect their lives to change and they should not expect to live life as it were with the partnership that is no more. You are now responsible for your entire life and don’t expect your soon to be ex to play any part in your situation moving forward. Embrace your new independence but also take full responsibility in all that you endeavor in life. Don’t make a bad situation worse, turn the page, remove the emotions as much as possible and make the process of divorce a business transaction. Once complete, divorce could represent a fresh start to a happier well-being in life.

“Do you regularly use the phrase I Forgot?”

Remembering things can be one of the most difficult things we are challenged with on a daily basis. It can be as simple as taking out the trash or it could be as significant as paying the mortgage. Remembering to do the important things in life can be critical to a happy life and when we don’t remember we can certainly cause unnecessary strife for ourselves and others. Using the excuse that we forgot or what I call the “F” word does not go over very well when we have missed something important. Saying I forget is just as bad as a cuss word because not too many people receive it well or they are put off by it. The negative effects of forgetting can be bad on relationships, at work, managing your bills, health and so many other aspects of our lives that we should look to minimize the number of times we use the “F” bomb. Men get into hot water when they fail to remember an important date to their significant other, e.g. anniversary or birthday. How successful are you at work if you regularly forget to do something important or miss a deadline because you forgot. Bill collectors are not very lenient when we are late with making a payment, many charge late fees and are unlikely to wave the fee if we simply forgot. How many of our loved ones are reliant on medications to keep them in good health and when they are under the weather we often realize they forgot to take their medication. How can we be better and remembering?

Our brains are better suited for making decisions and being creative, not so much on remembering deadlines and dates especially as we get older. Many people resort to lists, white boards on their refrigerators, sticky notes and other techniques. An old method of remembering something is tying a string around our finger; hopefully we don’t forget why we put the string on our finger! We live in an age that is driven by technology and the vast majority of us have smart phones that we depend on every waking moment. Now our kids have access to technology and smarts phones before they are old enough to drive. If we are not using smart phones which are more advanced than the computers were 15 or 20 years ago, we really are subjecting ourselves to unneeded agony. Our smart phones have calendars that can be used to setup reminders and the only way we should forget something is if we fail to setup a reminder or we dismiss the reminder without taking any action. As our “to do” list accumulates, take a moment and set a reminder so we are more reliable to ourselves and those that depend on us at home, as friends, and at work. Paying that bill before it’s too late or remembering that important date can go a long way towards making us or someone else happier than if we say “I Forgot”.